Welcome to the 'Kitten's hairdeyer' section of the Corinthians website. Basically, this area is dedicated to our assistant managers Taps, Kitten, Catch and Kip. They aim to report on all the funny things which happen in our games!
This season’s first hairdryer goes collectively to last season’s regular 1st team centre backs, Don Graves, Sandy Taplon and Jan Quontan, who’s range of excuses and lack of availability throughout the preseason has been staggering. Stories ranging from mountain biking in Wales, suddenly becoming a dirt-bike enthusiast, swine-flu and simply not being allowed out have rocked the club, and considering the general lack of pace in the back line when they are at their fittest, this does not bode well for when, and if, they decide to return.
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Congratulations to Beany, who this week broke the record for the fastest ever Corinthians goal 43.08 seconds. Brilliantly aware that time was of the essence, he smashed it as hard as he could off the bar, leaving the goalkeeper (Jamie) without a chance.
Hungry for more, Beany's wasn't finished there, he also assembled the lowest ever Corinthians Fantasy Football score good going considering the competition. Walking back into the team after his previous week's jolly he managed -28 points: playing match (2pts), OG (-5), conceding 4 (-4), being subbed (-1), voting for yourself in the Saturday Team of The Week (-8), feigning injury to dip out of the Half Marathon and duck Unity next week (-12).
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A 70’s Scottish Manager hairdryer this week to the entire reserve team who’s level of groundsmanship and basic intelligence reached new depths on Saturday. Imagine the Gaffer’s rage when he strolled into the pitch area to find that:
Sort it out boys, we can forgive the 16 year old but some of you are in your 40’s…
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It’s fitting the season’s final hairdryer should go to Coach Kitten himself! His Crime? Performing more costume changes than seen at a Girls Aloud concert. First he had the audacity to bust out a pair 80s styled Jean-Shorts complete with football boots. It was a rare look which perhaps deserved a hairdryer on its own. However, burned into submission, he then proceeded to change into some sports shorts. But finally he donned his trusty Paris Hilton face-hugging shades and, in a final act of defiance, ditched the boots for a pair of flops so that he “wouldn’t be asked to run the line”!
Come on now Kitten, keep Saturdays free for your linesman flags and don’t let Jason Donovan influence your fashion ideas again!
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Ronnie Rosenthal is hairdrying his curly mullet this week for Chris Long, skying over from 2 yards when faced with what can only be described as an open goal. After coming off with concussion Dimba Kier said that all he could remember was "Longy's shank". Even Longy's own parents were embarrassed, hiding around the corner until half time to pretend that they never saw it. Now on two in a row, can Chris make it a hat-trick?
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A Reed von Nostrilray hairdryer to Chris ‘Splinter’ Long this week who despite everybody on the touch-line screaming at him to move decided to go all professional by standing 10 yards offside from a free kick ‘just like they do on Match of the Day’. Sadly he was so far offside that he was stood directly in front of the keeper, meaning that Ben Charters was denied possibly the goal of his career when he curled it into the top corner only see a free kick given the other way. In an effort to make up for his error Longy went on to ensure that he didn’t interfere with play for the remaining hour. Luckily he’ll only be watching ‘The Championship’ next season ...
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With Coach Kitten sidelined following career-saving surgery he gives out a morphine fuelled hairdryer from his hospital bed to ‘Osama’ Ben Ardron for disrespecting the flag with an appalling display of linesmanship on Saturday when he failed to spot the West Reading striker 5 yards offside before he scored their second. Can you run the line in a wheelchair catch?!!
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A Simply Red 'If you don't know me by now' hairdryer for the gaffer this week for still thinking that his players actually listen to a word he says during his team talk after 8 years of being proved wrong. Proof was again given on Saturday when having stressed the importance of not overplaying for the first 20 minutes the team then overplayed and conceded a goal within 30 seconds. Just concentrate on getting the nets up Gaffer!!
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A Fergie style hairdryer this week for the simple little Irish fella, Finbar Mulholland, for completely missing the 5 minute period in the game where the Rides centre back was sent off. As if wanting to confirm his forgetfulness he later asked me to remind him of the final score! Who says the Irish are stupid? Coach Kitten does.
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The first hairdryer of the week goes to the fastest man over 100 litres, Ben Charters, for questioning the gaffer’s decision to bring him off - “No, he couldn’t possibly mean me?” A tactical change that led us to a 3-1 victory. Do one Big Dog!
Brought to you by Kitten